I don't like to talk about my flair.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Kansas Crackpots Lose Control of School Board!

TOPEKA, Kan. - Conservative Republicans who approved classroom standards that called evolution into question lost control of the state Board of Education in Tuesday's primary election.

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Thank goodness. It's difficult enough explaining to morons that yes, I did indeed have indoor plumbing while growing up in Kansas. It was even more trying to defend the majority of sane educators in Kansas that don't believe evolution is a tool of the devil.

If nothing else, though, this kefuffle at least brought us the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Magic of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris can win a game of monopoly without owning a single property.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Superman wears chuck norris pajamas

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the hell down.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris dosn't have a chin. Behind his beard is another fist.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.