I don't like to talk about my flair.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

An Open Letter to My Seat "Buddy" at the Dave Matthews Concert

Hi! Hi. Yes, you're excited to be here, aren't you? Dave Matthews. Love it. They put on an awesome show, don't they?

Aw, look at you, flailing around. Oh, you're dancing, are you? Yeah, the "woooooooo!" probably should've tipped me off. You raise that beer up, girlfriend! Wooo! Yes, I'm sure Dave knows you love him. Holler louder, though...he might not have heard you the first time.

Listen, though...couple things.

1. The reason I'm standing with my arms crossed stiffly is because your St. Vitus-esque "dancing" keeps propelling you into me. Here's my personal space, there's yours. Please stick to your own. If you keep bumping into me, I won't move. Sorry. Yes, turn to your husband and gesture wildly at me, complaining that I keep hitting you. Yeah, no. The apologetic look he shot me over your shoulder tells me you've been unruly in public before.

2. You're, what...40? 45? Possibly younger, but you're tanorexic, so it's hard to tell. Regardless, public drunkeness is unseemly at any age. So, you know, enjoy the show...but I sure as hell hope you & your equally smashed husband are planning on taking the light rail back home, because you? Don't need to be driving.

3. It already smells like bongwater & fratboys in here. Please don't complicate it by re-applying AquaNet. My main joy in the DMB is Boyd Tinsley. Waving your aging coif in time to the voices in your head is impeding my view.

4. Those aren't even your seats...I assume some beer-soaked 20-something passed out in the parking lot and didn't make it into the arena. You ganked them halfway through the set, so don't be upset when you don't get an entire row of seats to yourself in which to shake your saggy ass.



At 11:10 AM, Blogger Christian said...

Hello to everyone in the hospitality industry!

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At 4:24 PM, Blogger Dennis said...

Ann, this is one of the funniest posts I've read in a looong time! I love it.

"Waving your aging coif in time to the voices in your head is impeding my view." That line really got me. You see, I know people like this...as I'm sure most of us do.

I will read the other posts, and hopefully you will add more soon (I see it's been a while).

- Dennis

At 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will be 40 (hopefully) someday. Watch your ass sag. Karma is a bitch, baby.

At 6:57 AM, Blogger Amber said...

This is so great. I lol'd.
I swear I've met that same lady at the last concert I went to. (Although, it was Foreigner so the 40 year olds were fairly prominent)
Keep up the good work!



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